Let's Have Loophole Sex!

Talking to many guys over the years about sexual purity, it always amazes me how lenient people get when talking about boundaries in dating.

Question #1: Is it ok to have sex?  Oh no Ben, we would never do that, sex is for marriage and we plan on wearing our chastity belts, lock AND key, until that wonderful ceremony is done.

Question #2: What about oral sex?  Oh Ben, we would never do that, such things are for marriage and we plan on wearing our chastity belts, lock AND key, until that blessed, "my future wife is going to kill someone because her veil won't stay straight", ceremony is done.

Question #3: Do you need to spend time alone?  I don't see anything wrong with that.  What is wrong with spending time alone, we are getting to know each other so we are prepared to walk down the aisle and spend eternity together in happiness and gleeeeeeee.

Question #4: I see, well doesn't that open the door to possibly make things like making out, sex, a little easier to get to?  Well yea, and of course sometimes we stumble, we get caught up in the moment but after we always make a commitment to stop doing it.  We reform our boundaries and get back on the path of happiness and gleeeeeeeee.

Question #5: So if hanging out alone opens up the door for you to fall and the main purpose is to get to know each other better, why not just go to Starbucks and have a good chat?  Ben!  I am appalled that you would think, that I would be able to get to know my future wife in the confines of Starbucks.  We wouldn't be able to cuddle, grab, kiss or anything.  Oh so the truth comes out?  I guess so, I just don't want to give that up. 

It is hard to swallow the truth on Christian dating.  Many Christians like to find the loopholes around sex, it kinda reminds of the Family Guy episode where they were having ear sex, so not to have real sex.  Gross?  Well, we are really no better in our own loopholes. 

Kissing, laying or sleeping in the same bed, feeling up, spending time alone only creates an opening for more to happen.

But you're being way to conservative, loosen up, not everyone is like that.

When we want to keep something in our lives that is sinful, we make up excuses to do just that.  Loopholes are like nooses, sooner or later, you're going through one and it closes up on you.  Why put yourself in that situation when Jesus provides a better path?

Could you take ten minutes and simply rethink your dating strategy, how you're approaching it and making the sacrifice to stop falling into the same physical patterns of the past?  I can only assume that by doing so, God will give you ample opportunity to get to know each other better. 

Comments

[sarah]

I'm not sure that "alone time" is the culprit here. Much could be said about our lack of intention (simply put, if you don't have a plan of attack, then you're likely to behave impulsively)...about our lack of accountability.

The bottom line is...we don't desire purity. As a culture, we exalt sexuality; as a Church, we have failed to set ourselves apart from that exaltation.

Having said that...I think you can lust just as easily in Starbucks as you can in the back seat of the car. Jesus made no distinction between lusting after someone and adultery. If we pursued purity, and were in a healthy accountability relationship with someone, and set realistic guides, we might be farther from Starbucks AND the back seat.

Micah spoke at I.V. once about purity. He gave some great guidelines for dating, like... keep your feet on the floor. And...there's no reason to take your clothes off. And...stay out of the strike zone." I think we would be far better to teach and practice guides like this than to simply disallow the kind of alone-time that a couple needs.

And as a woman...I would say that alone-time is important.

[Ben Lemery]

I agree with you on further teaching and desiring purity but I am setting a baseline to start somewhere. The main point is, we don't want to sacrifice the things that get us into trouble. I think out of over a hundred guys I have walked through on this stuff, 2 have been successful at not crossing lines when they are alone. That is a staggering unscientific statistic if you ask me.

Woman or man, you can have intimacy without being alone in private. You can be just as alone at Starbucks as you could walking through a park. There is simply no reason why you need to be alone in an apartment or your bedroom. That's what marriage is for.

We blur the lines way to much, that's what I am taking to task here.

[sarah]

Extremes never work well, Ben.

I'm not advocating for having date night in a bedroom. But dating relationships (leading toward marriage) are just like any other friendship in that they require personal attention and time; they require boundaries and accountability. You don't achieve this by simply saying, "we'll never be in a private setting."

I appreciate what you're trying to do here, and I think you're headed in the right direction with it. I'm just concerned that you've got a baby-and-bathwater type of situation. You've gotta be careful what you toss.

I vote: no kissing. It is usually the kissing that leads to trouble.